[maddik]

Господин Деяма давал на днях сольный концерт.

Отчёт здесь.



имхо, к прочтению полезно, особенно тошинелюбителям.

Comments

[Лекс Ли Влади]

а я вот ничего не вижу...

[maddik]

Toshi's dead, for all practical purposes.



Well, not physically, there is a human body moving around that is legally defined as Deyama Toshimitsu. But the real Toshi isn't there. What's there is more like a zombie. I always thought zombies were a silly invention badly executed by movie producers - yes, I know hey really come from Voodoo, never mind the details - but I think I might just have met one last night.



That is, at the concert Toshi was giving in Tokyo. But it's not Toshi anymore, for all practical purposes, really, Toshi is dead.



Toshi is rather short even for a Japanese, but in the old days, I always thought he moved as if he were 7 feet or so tall, Benkei and Thor and any other number of young defender and protector heroes and gods rolled into one. With a voice to match; no, even greater.



Now, he walks hunched over, head bowed.



His speaking voice is constricted, he talks in a flat monotone absolutely without emotions in the voice.



His singing voice . . . that beautiful voice . . . I don't know what he's done with it, but the way he "sings" now, is very low (not in register, in volume, sometimes hard to hear over the piano), and it sounds chocked and defeated.



His eyes are red-rimmed as if from crying or lack of sleep or something; that is, not bloodshot eyeballs but unhealthy red where women would apply "inner eyeliner" (don't know what that's in English).



He makes a grimace than just barely passes for a smile when a "fan" talks to him or want their picture taken together, but when he thinks no one's looking at him his facial muscles are just as tight as his body posture.



I got to talk to him briefly one on one after the concert - I didn't make it to the concert itself because I couldn't find the place it was at in time; when I finally found it with the help of a knowledgeable local person, I realized I had gone by that building about half a dozen times but hadn't seen it because it's not really a concert hall, but one of those small multiple entertainment "rental" places that come with some intruments and a small stage and that everybody can rent for a few hours for private performances. Seats, maybe 30, 40 if packed real tightly, which it wasn't. 30. Nippon Budokan seats about 15,000. Tokyo Dome, 55,000 for regular baseball games and more than that withmthe arena area used for sitting or standing space during rock concerts. X Japan has easily filled both, and Toshi's voice has easily filled both, in those days. Well, pardon the aside.



Anyhow, because I couldn't originally find the place, I was about an hour late and decided it would be terminally rude to walk in halfway through the concert, so I decided to wait outside and try to catch him afterwards. Since the place has large glass sliding doors - then curtain off - towards the street, I figured I listen to what I can, wait until the concert it over and then try to go and see Toshi. But all I could hear was someone talking, sometimes low voice so I couldn't really catch it, sometimes louder and then it seemed more like babbling than coherent talk, without real structure to it and going off on tangents in all directions.



While I was waiting there came some guy in a black suit out of the building to talk on his cell phone, but I first didn't connect him to Toshi - could easily have been someone living in the building who didn't want anyone else to listen in on the call - when later the same guys, sans jacket then, in a blue shirt with rolled up sleeves came out again with some flyers, I asked him if he was with Toshi and he said yes. (That was maybe 10 minutes before the end, as it turned out.)



So I said I had wanted to come to the concert, but had been delayed and asked if I could talk to Toshi just for a few minutes afterwards. I had a small present for him and wanted to say thank you to him for something that doesn't matter here just now. I also had a CD for him with some clips from old X Japan concerts - and a letter and copies of the emails of some fans, though me, to him - because I figured maybe if someone reminds him of that, he'd finally do something about it. I'd also made two print outs of Yoshiki's page at myspace, figuring that maybe if he was in a good mood, I could somehow convince him to write Yoshiki a message (yes, I know, not likely, but since I didn't have anything to lose in thatI went with the boyscout motto of "be prepared" just in case.) Well, all that was based on my assumption that Toshi had really broken of with masaya after the child abuse case that made it into court.



I was up for a shock. The guy did the usual small talk, asked how long I'd been in Japan, because my Japanese is so good (a comment that usually makes me want to scream) and so on and so forth, then asked if I'd known Toshi for a long time. I said, well, not personally, naturally, but as someone living in Japan for a long time, yes, to way back to X Japan. To which the guy smiled and said yes, but now, Toshi was singing much more beautiful songs, all by masaya. (Tried to sell me some over prized CD, too, but I found an excuse to decline the offer.)

[maddik]

Well.



He went on more, asked me where I was from and when I told him that they'd never had someone from Germany, but that someone from The Netherlands came regularly - that IDIOT who always posts on youtube that Toshi is happy, goes by paerdje there - and he opened really up after I asked if it was "J." and mentioned I had emailed with her. (I saw no reason to say what I'd said, if the idiot assumed that I was about to be their next member that's his own fault.)



Anyhow, after that, he invited me in and let me listen in to Toshi's last song on the piano - which I now wish I hadn't heard, nor his piano playing (technically sound, I suppose, but, like Toshi himself now, absolutely lacking exprеssion) - and talked some more (he sure liked to hear himself talk) about how much Toshi admires masaya and so on, in the process making it clear that Toshi is not only not singing any X Japan songs anymore - we knew that - but not even any of his earlier own work. Nor is he composing or song writing was the clear impression I got. Just doing masaya stuff - I say "doing" because "performing" really isn't a term that applies.



Finally the song was over and he said they'd have a signing session and invited me in. I went but kind of hid in the corner and from that time are all the observations above. Actually, it wasn't much of a signing session because mostly the guy was busy selling other merchandise to the "concert" guests, and even though Toshi said "dozo" - please, inviting people to approach him - maybe a dozen times, only four or five did. That was painful to watch too - if he'd said that even in 1997, he'd have had several ten thousands of fans over him, all trying to be the first to get there . . .



Anyhow, he finally realized that no one else would be coming so he ducked out of the room and I dashed after him and said "Toshi-san?" He turned around with a "hai," but I swear he was flinching when he did, as if he expected a blow or something else not pleasant.



So I asked him if I might briefly talk to him in private and he said okay and we went into the mini office of the place and I gave him the little bell - it's a talisman, but people here also often give them to friends, to remind those friends that they have friends and aren't alone and for good luck - and the CD. He kind of took them but not really - I think they might have dropped on the floor if I hadn't held them, too - so I said it was for him, not a big thing, but that I wanted him to have it because at a very tough time of my life, just listening to his voice had helped me go on.



His answer was "so desu ka?" - "Is that so?" in that same flat monotone - in the same way he might had answered if I'd told him it was raining (it was then).



And for clarification, I don't mean he should have a great show about caring for my past (it would rather have embaressed me), but even casual aquaintances comments to such a comment are normally more like "sorry to hear that" or "hope you're better now" or some such. And Toshi - the old Toshi - from everything I ever heard of him, he would have l it up like a candle at being told that he helped someone even without knowing. I mean, this is the guy who could publicly grief about a teen with aids, and by all accords always first and foremost wanted to help people!



And now: "So desu ka."



I asked him to watch the CD sometime - I doubt he will, even if he his "manager" and the manager's assitant(s) let him keep it, which I doubt - and he nodded but put both the CD and the bell aside on a table. So I asked him if he would sign something for me and he did, without comment, didn't even ask for a name to sign it too. (It was the lower half of the Yoshiki page print out, folded so he couldn't see the upper. I gave him the other copy, with the picture turned inside so he couldn't see it then and again, asked him to have a look at it some later time. Again he nodded and just put it with the CD and bell. Then the manager interrupted and I said to him, just one more minute and he oblidged, closing the door again.



Then I got all my courage together and said, "Toshi-san, saigo ni, hitotsu no koto wo kikitai'n desu ga: doushite, kyunenkan mo, zenzen Yoshiki-san to hanashite inai no?" (Toshi, there is a last thing I'd like to ask: why haven't you talked to Yoshiki in all these nine years?)



I had, by then, hoped to at least rile him a bit since he was so distant but even that didn't work. His answer was: "sore ha, ohkii-na o-sewa da to imasu." (doen't translate well into English, but maybe it's like "one calls intrusions like that extremely rude.") again in the same monotone. He was naturally right in content but people who are really pissed of usually say "Ohkii-na o-sewa da!" with more than a little emphasis to that.



So all I said to that was "Wakatte imasu. Wakatte imasu ga, o-futari no kanashii sugata wo mite, nani mo iesu ni ha irerarenai." (Roughly in English: "I am well aware of that. I'm well aware of it, but I can't bear seeing the two of you sad and not even say anything (bug you) about it.")



Again he was right that I was intruding beyond good manners, but I don't think it's what the real Toshi would have said. I think, the old Toshi's reaction would have been more like "thank you for being concerned." Still a "don't go there" but different, warmer. Well, there is no warmth now in Toshi. Or anything else.

Then the manager came back in and I told him I was looking forward ot the next concert and would contact him about the tickets and then got the hell out a fast as I could without running.



Contacting the manager about the next concert naturally was BS; I won't go to another. I couldn't. I'd rather do something physically painful to myself than endure that.



And that was that, aside from a few side observations:



I think they are making a nice bit of money, actually: maybe 18 people in there when I came in, each paying 7,000 (advanced ticket) or 7,500 (same day) yen just for the ticket, and the manager made sure most people in there bought something else, too. I don't know how large Saturday's hall was, and I don't know how much rent they pay for the "hall" but assume an average 20 people even at the lower advanced ticket price - that's 140,000 yen just there for one "concert" - and on top of the merchandize sales, I also saw one lady slip Toshi one of those brown envelopes that's usually cash from sponsors and he did three concerts this weekend in Tokyo. Okay, I assume it's far less than he made with X Japan - though honestly, I don't know what contracts they had - but it seems to me they don't have a bad gig going for ripping in cash. I doubt Toshi sees any off that.



For Toshi himself, he isn't as chubby anymore as in some of the clips on youtube - actually, he seems to have a good height / weight ratio now - but he looks incredibly tired and kind of "phases out" at times; it's really visible. Even when he doesn't, he doesn't really react to stimulus either in facial exprеssion - smiles, frowns, whatever - or through body langaue, both face and bodyappear frozen. He also doesn't really look at people; but more like just over their shoulder so it looks as if he's looking at faces, but isn't really. He did that all the time he was talking with me, too. He simply doesn't react normally.



One other thing is that I think they are really keeping close watch on him: there is always someone with him when he is with people, there was constantly someone hovering by the one exit door of the place - offically to see off leaving visitors - and the manager, very politely, but also insistantly, came checking on him and me.



Maybe my intial words weren't so far off, "zombie" isn't all that bad a desсriрtion for what he looks like, minus the jerky movements they make in movies. And I a firmly convinced masaya's cult and masaya are responsible for the changes.



I don't know what anyone could do about it but unless someone does something to get him out of there and mentally detox him, the Toshi we all liked really has left. And I can't say how incredibly sad that makes me.

(с)

[Лекс Ли Влади]

мне грустно...

[maddik]

Я от него ничего другого и не ожидала...

[Kimera]

Не совсем поняла, что он сказал на вопрос о Йошки?

[Лекс Ли Влади]

Предлагаю диверсию... Выкрасть Тошика, завернуть в красивую обертку и подарить Йошику... Уж он-то, наш Ёж, отогреет Тошика, приведет в норму, сектантов больше не подпустит...

[maddik]

Kimera, "позвонить просто так было бы чрезвычайно невежливо". Он типа, стесняется.



Лекс Ли Влади, ему уже ничего не поможет, ни волшебный пендель, ни клиника, ни даже Хаяши. Это финиш, имхо.

[Kimera]

maddik, м-даа...

[maddik]

Kimera, оно и к лучшему. Чтоб у него телефон сломался. А есть ли он вообще?..

[Toshi Deyama]

maddik Знаешь, насчет телефона - не знаю, но вот факс - есть. Одна моя знакомая ему отправляла что-то, не знаю дошло ли.

[maddik]

Toshi Deyama, я не об этом. Позволено ли в уставе этой его секты держать телефоны? Или они считаются шайтан-машинками? А факс точно его, а не секты?

[XAMTAPO]

maddik Велика доблесть пинать ногами побежденного! Правильно!Пусть неудачник плачет!

[maddik]

XAMTAPO,